I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
