Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
