grandma shit on top of the toilet
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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