she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
