Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
