she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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