Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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