WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
