I'm so fucking centered right now
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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