Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
