i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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