My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
