someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
