The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
