It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
