I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
