The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
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I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
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YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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