also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
thus making me awesome and them whores
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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