did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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