I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
