We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
