I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday