I haven't been this sober since birth.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
