He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When are your genitals available?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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