I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
