Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
