Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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