In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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