my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
