I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
