i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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