Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
