tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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