life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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