I wish I could teleport
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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