Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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