I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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