I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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