I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think my moral compass just broke
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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