I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
