I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
