my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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