Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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