she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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