bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
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I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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