organizing the empties. That sober.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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