I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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