In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
