My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
