i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
