Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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