remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
