I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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