I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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